i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Randomize
