so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
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