Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
