I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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