I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
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