You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Send help, water and tortillas.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
