I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
