My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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