I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
