I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
