so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
just tell him i said nine months
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
