I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
do you think it i'm gay because i was in a 3 way lastnight?
well not if you dont touch the other dude and concentrate on the chic
what chic?
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I FOUND THE LEGS
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
