In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
What's dad's email?
[email protected]
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
