when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
