He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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