Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
