Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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