My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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