plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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