if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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