just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
