Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
