On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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