So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I cut my penus on the lid.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
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