12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
