so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
