just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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