Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Randomize
