Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Randomize
