Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
