My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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