Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
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