i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
