I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
