We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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