At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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