Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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