tell your sister to shave her snatch
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
You took a bar mat shot.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize