The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
