i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
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