Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
