pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
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