there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
