They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
