I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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