you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
