I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
