This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
