She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
