Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
